Posted By crates on May 9, 2008

       There are few things that really matter in this life.  At the top of my list is family, and second are friends.  I am of the sort that makes very few friends.  I have seen many people that can make friends extremely easily.  I have never done this.

      I am more of a loner I guess, and most of the time I am perfectly content with my own company, going along, busy with various projects, perfectly content.  Or almost anyway.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of friends, I do very much.  It is just that it is the nature of my life to walk alone most of the time.

      The few friends that I do make are cherished.   There is nothing that I would not do for a true friend.  There are friends and then there are people who can be more than the usual kind of friends.  People because of some unique aspect or some quality who can touch my heart and cause me to love them dearly.

    This is nothing thought out, nothing that I think about, trying to make my mind up, no weighing of the pros and cons of the person.  No, it is something that can creep insidiously into my heart, something that I really do not recognize at first, until one day I realize that this person, this individual will be a part of me forever…until the day that I die.

     This almost never happens.  When it does I feel as if I have been blessed.  It gives me strength to know that into my lonely life, there has been something introduced which can sustain me when I am sad…or blue…or discouraged.  It is something that is transcendent…something numinous, something which can make me more aware of my surroundings, more aware of the small things of life which reflect this transcendent quality.

      When such a friend is lost, it is more than wrenching.  It is more than sad or upsetting.  It involves a loss of self.   Part of myself begins to erode away.  I look down at my hands, my body and I see pieces of myself breaking off, turning into something like sand that trickles down.  I see parts of myself becoming transparent as this essence leaks away.  I feel a great weakness as this continues.  A great weariness grows until it becomes all consuming.  I feel that next my entire self will deliquesce and then…why then there will be nothing much left will there?

   What do I do when this happens?  Why…I take these great bricks and go to that place and then I begin to wall it up.  Slowly each day I take my trowel and some mortar and lay down another row of bricks.  On the other side of the growing wall, I can hear noises, shufflings, scratchings…and other noises.  But I ignore this and continue to wall this place up.  I keep doing this until…well, it is all walled away from me.   Then I put away my tools, dust my hands, and walk away. 

     Does this solve the feelings of loss and sorrow and…and the other horrific emotions?  No, it really does not.  However, it does allow me to continue with my life, to put one foot in front of the other, and I know there will come a day, perhaps far off, when I can smile again and begin to notice the small beautiful things of this existence.

Categories: People, Personal Stuff
Tags: friends, relationships